consumption

in process is about literal steps of action. i think i get lost in the consumption activity instead of getting lost in creation activity. Telling myself that I am in fact pushing closer to a goal by justifying whatever i'm doing. When really it's justifying procrastination- i don't have enough time to start, i'm just going to have to stop, i feel weird, this is another off day, it's not the right circumstance. blah bla rg nsnsnsnns. it never is. the day is never going to be correct. you know what makes it the correct day? creating it into the right day. the right feeling, the right moment. My father has a clock on his desk that says "go to your studio and make something" and I never understood until recently when I was making all kinds of excuses to myself about how sad I felt, about work i was leaving unfinnished, about ideas that were perhaps written down but still locked in sketchbooks.

It's me. I'm the problem, it's me. (I've really been finding the broader applicability to taylor swift lately as well) I need to step up and make the time to do the work I want to do. no one else is going to. no one else can do my work, that's why it's so fascinating to me. that's what creates the excitement in my own creating. an interest and an inquiry into what's important internally. not trying to satisfy outside forces. not trying to hit goals and clicks and eyes. I want to sell things yes, but i'm doing the work out of an honest personal interest in it, the by product is sharing my interest to a larger audience. it doesn't work if it's not for that reason. For me. it won't work for me if I don't approach it all from that point of view.

in conversation this week I heard the phrase "these lines are significant to me" and I wasn't sure to take it as crit or as a reflection of the speaker or as a reflection in general on perhaps all of artistic endeavors. that ones makes artistic efforts because it is truly significant to them. I had feelings on this statement, i was angry, i was sad, confused mostly. but also that while the lines i make may be significant to me as much as a brushstroke is to a painter, because I understand intimately the amount of repitition has gone into making that line.

the viewer, the audience, doesn't need that. in most cases, speakign for myself, when i see someone else's lines (read: brushstroke, keystoke, shutter timing, or sound) I am drawn in by the fact that I do not have the knowledge to make that. I am drawn in to the mystery that this other person has the deep knowledge to make something and that I get to enjoy the sum of its parts as a member of the audience. and that I'll only ever get to be on the edge of understanding how much truly went into that creation, that work. it's a beautiful edge of appreciation and awe for art. that I want to take it home and be continually pushed and engaged by it is awesome.